Restore Counselling

·       Don’t keep unburying (exhuming) the past. Leave the past in the past. You can’t change it, so choose to move on. Remember, you’re on the same side.

·       Are you committed to the commitment made on your wedding day (and many days since)? Maybe check out and read your wedding vows again, when you’re ready.

·       Are you willing to build a good old-fashioned friendship together? Choose to be friends and friendly.

·       Can you imagine what a fantastic marriage between you two would look like in a few years time? This may take some work at and some working towards - expectations, hopes, future plans, and dreams. Keep coming back to work on this point.

·       Do you know about what forgiveness is?
- Letting go your right to hold on to any anger from the past.

·       Willing to consciously, clinically decide or choose to forgive your spouse? Your self?

·       Bite your tongue!! Stop those knee-jerk responses. What is for the greater good?
If you recognise a pattern of downward spiralling into argument, rehearse in your own mind how you can ‘bail out’ gracefully? “Got that wrong. Can we start again?”
What will build up? – and not tear down.

·       Know how to ‘signal’ (communicate, indicate) a wish or need to your spouse?
Assumptions are very dangerous. Yours and theirs. Check out assumptions gently.

·       Listen to the heart of the matter.
Husbands tend to miss the deeper, layered (often emotional) message/s underneath the words that their wife says. Do not dismiss what a woman says, Man. Listen to her heart. Girls don’t always want your ‘fix-it’ solution – they may just want to know that you are listening and caring. Listen to her deep yearnings and desires. She needs to learn to trust that you will care for her words and thoughts tenderly first.
Wife, ask your husband for more info. Give the man a plan. Give him the Reader’s Digest version of what you need. “a hug”. ‘I need you to say (this…) anytime now’ … “Have you thought about doing this instead …?”

·       Do not park nor lose your gentle sense of humour – but don’t be frivolous when your spouse is being sincerely serious.

·       Submission does not equal doormat. Respect each other’s strengths and convictions. Respect each other. Ephesians 5:21 – Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
A man will need to recognise his wife’s intuition (sometimes even she can’t explain her reasons straight away). She will need to respect him and his loving God-given authority.

·       We learn from God about what LOVE is. Unconditional. Patient, long-suffering. On-going. A covenant, daily renewed.
Love is a verb. Love is what love does. Love is doing what is best for the other’s greater good at all times.
Practice saying “I love you” in various ways to your spouse, including in words!

·       Box or limit the issues or problem time eg between 8-9pm. Severely clip the time spent dealing with the issues. Quote: “What gets your attention gets you.”
Maximise the time to build your loving friendship. Have ‘couch time’ to pleasantly talk, hand hold, smile, play with each other, even a game of cards!
One of the authors’ early mottoes: “If in doubt, pray!” Brings in a fresh perspective.

·       Look for the good characteristics and actions of your spouse. Think of three things each night that are positive and good about your spouse. Write them down if you like. Bless them and tell them if you wish. Store up the blessings “in your heart”.

·       How’s your fun and friendship growing?

Other resources at: www.divorcebusting.com