Over-Reacting – need a truth coach

When you over-react to a situation, start yelling, get edgy… ask yourself:~

1. What is the emotion or feeling that I’m feeling?
2. What is causing this thinking? Why is this a problem?
3. What assumptions are underlying this thinking?
4. God’s view of all this may be…
5. The real struggle for me is … (What input, insight will help?)

~ from D. Riddell.

Don’t Medicate Christmas

Don’t Medicate With Alcohol and Drugs This Holiday Season!

Daniel G. Amen, MD, CEO, Amen Clinics, Inc.
www.amenclinics.com

Guess what the busiest month is in mental health treatment nationwide – January! Wonder why? For many, the holidays include a visit from “the ghost of Christmas past” who brings a tray full of unpleasant memories and unrealized expectations.

Sometimes we set ourselves up to fail during the holidays, thinking that for some magical reason this year will be different, when we’ve done nothing to change difficult family and relationship problems. It’s easy to slip into the “comfort zone” of overeating, isolating and abusing alcohol and drugs.

Unfortunately, the temporary relief provided by indulging wears off fast and leaves you feeling worse. And, the damage you do to your brain sets the stage for repeated failure. Here are a few things to consider as the holiday season approaches…

1. Alcohol and drug abuse damages the brain.

From the first scan I ordered on a patient with substance abuse problems, I saw very significant brain changes. A healthy scan shows full, even, symmetrical activity. Drug and alcohol abuse tended to cause overall decreased activity in the brain. These brains looked more aged, more shriveled, and more toxic than the brains of people who did not use drugs.

Heroin and heroin-like drugs, called opiates, caused severe decreased activity, as did much alcohol. Methamphetamines and cocaine tended to cause what looked like multiple holes or mini-strokes in the brain. Marijuana caused decreased activity in the frontal and temporal lobe areas (areas involved with memory and motivation).

All substance abuser brains did not look the same. Some people who have used drugs for a short time had horrible looking brains, while others, who used drugs for longer periods of time, had brains that did not look that bad. There must be genetic factors involved as well.

2. Alcohol and drug abuse is often a form of self medication (hot brains and cold brains).

One of the most powerful lessons we have learned from imaging is that many people who abuse substances are really trying to change their own brain chemistry. First, a word about what SPECT studies actually show us. We basically look for three things: areas of the brain that work well, areas of the brain that work too hard, and areas of the brain that do not work hard enough.

People with overactive brains, such as those with bipolar or manic-depressive disorder, anxiety disorders, certain forms of depression and obsessive compulsive disorder, tend to abuse substances that calm the brain down, such as marijuana, alcohol, or opiates.

People with under-active brains, such as those who have attention deficit disorder, tend to abuse stimulating drugs such as methamphetamine or cocaine. The drugs or alcohol make them feel better, so they continue to use, even though it has many other problems. It is essential to treat the underlying problems in order for them to heal from the substance abuse. Brain injuries are also involved in substance abuse in far greater numbers than most people realize.

3. The past is history and the future a mystery – let’s live today!

This can be a great time of year – I encourage you to take care of yourself, don’t overindulge in destructive behavior and don’t let your past destroy the present. Make new and positive holiday traditions, beginning this year! This year, be kind to yourself and your brain – it will make a difference for you and those you love!

To your brain health,
Daniel

Daniel G. Amen, MD
CEO, Amen Clinics, Inc.

www.amenclinics.com

F.E.A.R.

F.E.A.R.

When it all comes down to it, Satan’s attacks on you are intended to create fear and discouragement. We’ll cover discouragement later. Let’s tackle fear now. What does fear mean to you? For many of us, it’s…

Finding Excuses And Reasons

…for not doing the things we know we should do or that we know we want to do. We allow fear to stop us from reaching our potential. We allow it to keep us from taking that first step to build our walls. We allow it to paralyze us within our comfort zone. We allow it to make us…

Forget Everything And Run

..far away from what would often be the most effective approach to our fears – to push through them! If we examined all the fears of our lives, we would find that fear really means…

False Expectations Appearing Real

We have highly developed imaginations, and it’s easy for us to come up with worst case scenarios in our minds. If we don’t, Satan will plant a few seeds. But despite how plausible these seem at the time, almost none of them come true. Consequences are almost never as dire; outcomes are rarely as bleak. And besides, fear is the opposite of faith. God doesn’t want us to be fearful. His Word tells us:
For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

As of today, I encourage you to change what fear means to you. Redefine it to mean…

Face Everything And Recover

Or …
For Everything A Reason

Or…
Faith Erases All Reservations

Don’t allow any more False Expectations to chain you down. Feel the fear and do it anyway!

Source: www.wallbuilder2.wordpress.com

Dismantling the Addiction Cycle

Dismantling the Addiction Cycle

Identify Triggers

Set Boundaries

• Desire – You can have all the knowledge, skills and resources you need to get started , but if you don’t have desire, it ain’t happening.
• Discipline – You have to discipline yourself to follow through. Yes, it’s hard, it’s painful. Yes, it takes you out of your comfort zone, but it’s also temporary. Studies have shown that it takes 21 consecutive days of repeated activity to form a habit. You just have to stick with it. Keep your eyes on the larger goal.
• Delight – Benefits of the habit that you never knew existed suddenly materialise.  So many times, we give up too soon. We allow our feelings to dictate our actions.  Feelings follow actions, not the other way around. Develop momentum that makes the habit easy to continue.

Letting God in

Renouncing Baal and Ashteroth – false gods and beliefs

Healing and Freedom

Staying Free

• Know your enemy and how he operates
  • Satan tries to get you feeling Discouraged, Disillusioned, Disappointed, Disconnected and Defeated.
• Know the truth and maintain freedom – need God’s help
• Build boundaries [walls] and guard gates
• Be accountable – trusted others
• Help your children and others

Remember

• God loves you no matter where you are at.
• Don’t believe the Devil’s lies. 
• You have the righteousness of Christ and that you are God’s son.
• What you DO can never change WHO YOU ARE in Him.
• Build your walls and guard your gates. 
• Go at the pace that the Holy Spirit establishes for you.

(C) Mark Whittaker, www.2Restore.wordpress.com, excerpt from seminar, Sept 2008.

Recommended Resources: www.wallbuilder2.wordpress.com; http://cavman.wordpress.com/2008/09/29/considering-addictions/

Setting Boundaries

Setting Boundaries

A basic coping skill in interpersonal relationships is the ability to set and maintain proper boundaries for our interaction with others and with the world as we experience it. Many people allow themselves to be imposed upon and even mistreated because of a poor self-image, fear of conflict, and uncertainty about their right to exercise control over their lives.

WHY ARE BOUNDARIES IMPORTANT?

Each of us experiences reality in terms of :

The body – what we look like
Thinking – how we give meaning to incoming data
Feelings – our emotional response
Behavior – what we do or don’t do

Setting boundaries enhances a person’s ability to have a sense of self and to control the impact of reality on the self and others.

…

HOW ARE BOUNDARIES SET?

The ability or inability to set boundaries may take several forms:

1. The person who, because of low self-esteem, childhood training, or painful experiences in the past, is unable or unwilling to set limits and thus has no protection.

2. The person who builds walls to protect him/herself, thus blocking all closeness and preventing even healthy interaction.

3. The person who is confused or ambivalent about setting limits, wavering inconsistently between the extremes of building walls or erecting inadequate boundaries and thus gaining only partial protection.

4. The person who is self-confident enough to set limits, processing the experiences of life to determine their validity and appropriateness and then making the decision of what is appropriate for him/herself. Intact boundaries give measured protection as the person questions the experience through the filters of mind and feelings, accepts it within the circle when appropriate, and blocks it when it is “out of bounds.

The self-confident person knows:

“I have a right to control distance, touching, and other physical contact with people, and they have the same right with me. I have a right to control my response to what others say, do, or expect of me, and they have the same right.

“I think my own thoughts and make my own choices of what I do or don’t do, and others have the same right. If one of us offends the other, that person is responsible for the impact of his/her action, and should make amends.”

http://www.namb.net/ - unfortunately the original article has been removed (Dec 2011) – here’s the text on another website
http://redrockcounseling.com/resources/What+are+boundaries.doc
www.2Restore.wordpress.com

Look After Your Marriage

As a mother/father, wife/husband, and woman/man, the best thing you can do is to nurture and care for your marriage, your prime relationship on this earth.

Without a secure relational base, the family frays around the edges.

Treat your honey as your best friend – watch your tone of voice, how you request things (to be done), how you correct, and how you fight. Yes, learn to ‘fight’ fairly – no digging up the relics from the past, no bringing in other issues not directly related to the current ‘problem’.

Take responsibility for your own feelings and actions. Oh dear, to love and respect our friend-husband-partner, we need to be(come) so grown up and giving, even endlessly unconditional and forgiving in our love. Lord, give me patience and help me to try to understand!

Look forward, not back. Look for the new and the positive. Share your hopes and dreams for yourself, have shared hopes and dreams – as a team.

Remember: “WE ARE ON THE SAME SIDE”.

Another maxim my DH and I used especially in the first few years:
IF IN DOUBT, PRAY!

And a Biblical exhortation DH and I have leaned on in recent years, referring to God’s help, but can still relate to us plus the children:
YOU DON’T HAVE COS YOU DON’T ASK.
This doesn’t mean God (or anyone else) will give me what I ask for all the time, but how can I be given what I need if I don’t share that with another?

We are created for community – living together, belonging together.

Blessings on your marriage covenant,
johanna*mark
www.2Restore.wordpress.com

–

Here’s a few helpful articles on Marriage :

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=weblog&id=283&wlid=9&cn=289
Interview with William Glasser (Reality Therapy now Choice Therapy) on Happier Marriages – personal responsibilty not external control; communicate interests and expectations to other without making demands.

http://divorcemarriage.blogspot.com/2008/06/choice-theory-from-glasser-quality.html  – Edmond Tay discussing William Glasser’s book

Relationships and our Habits
Seven Caring Habits
1. Supporting
2. Encouraging
3. Listening
4. Accepting
5. Trusting
6. Respecting
7. Negotiating differences
Seven Deadly Habits
1. Criticising
2. Blaming
3. Complaining
4. Nagging
5. Threatening
6. Punishing
7. Bribing, rewarding to control

http://wglasser.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=12&Itemid=27

http://www.divorcebusting.com/ - Michele Weiner-Davis
www.2Restore.wordpress.com

The big scary unknown

People don’t want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown.
Chuck Palahniuk (1962 – )

–

This is where a trained counsellor or a fantastic friend can guide you through to a safe place. It may be scary or unknown but you don’t have to go there alone.

And in Christ Jesus there is hope and security.

Mark
www.2Restore.wordpress.com

Forgiveness is a Gift

Sent: Wednesday, 31 October 2007
Subject: News from Michele Weiner-Davis

divorcebusting.com

Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself

… Lack of forgiveness imprisons you. It takes its toll on your physical and emotional health. It keeps you stuck in the deepest of relationship ruts. No matter how justified you feel about your point of view regarding your partner’s insensitive behavior, you still are miserable. When you wake up each morning, a gray tint shadows your life. You walk around with a low-grade depression. You can’t feel joy because you’re too busy being angry or feeling disappointed.

In the face of these fairly obvious disadvantages, you hang on to your belief that, since you feel let down, you must not “give in.” To you, giving in means forgiving, letting go, making peace. To do so, would be tantamount to giving up your soul. So, you keep your distance. You interact in perfunctory ways, never allowing your partner to step over the emotional line you’ve drawn. And though the distance often feels intolerable, forgiveness is not on your short list of solutions to your dilemma.

… You need to internalize that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Letting go of resentment can set you free. It can bring more love and happiness into your life. It opens the door to intimacy and connection. It makes you feel whole. Forgiving others takes strength, particularly when you feel wronged, but the fortitude required to forgive pales in comparison to the energy necessary to maintain a sizable grudge. The person most hurt by holding out or blaming is YOU, no matter what the circumstances.

“All this sounds good,” you tell yourself, “but how can I ever forget what my partner did to me?” Good question. You don’t! Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. You will probably always remember the particular injustice(s) that drove you into your corner. But what will happen is that when you forgive, the intense emotions associated with the event(s) begin to fade. You will feel happier, lighter, more loving. And these renewed positive feelings won’t go unnoticed. Others will be drawn to you.Just keep in mind that forgiveness isn’t a feeling. It is a decision. You decide that you are going to start tomorrow with a clean slate. Even if it isn’t easy, you make the determination that the alternative is even harder, and that you are going to do what you must to begin creating a more positive future. So promise yourself, that no matter what the reason, you will not go another day blaming your partner and feeling lonely. Make peace. Make up. Make love. I promise you that the benefits of deciding to forgive go far beyond anything you can picture in your mind’s eye at the moment. Your decision to forgive will create a ripple effect of exponential changes in your life.divorcebusting.com

www.2Restore.wordpress.com

Moving Your Marriage Forward

Moving Your Marriage Forward

-        by Johanna & Mark Whittaker, © March 2008, www.2Restore.wordpress.com  

·       Don’t keep unburying (exhuming) the past. Leave the past in the past. You can’t change it, so choose to move on. Remember, you’re on the same side.

·       Are you committed to the commitment made on your wedding day (and many days since)? Maybe check out and read your wedding vows again, when you’re ready.

·       Are you willing to build a good old-fashioned friendship together? Choose to be friends and friendly.

·       Can you imagine what a fantastic marriage between you two would look like in a few years time? This may take some work at and some working towards – expectations, hopes, future plans, and dreams. Keep coming back to work on this point.

·       Do you know about what forgiveness is?
- Letting go your right to hold on to any anger from the past.

·       Willing to consciously, clinically decide or choose to forgive your spouse? Your self?

·       Bite your tongue!! Stop those knee-jerk responses. What is for the greater good?
If you recognise a pattern of downward spiralling into argument, rehearse in your own mind how you can ‘bail out’ gracefully? “Got that wrong. Can we start again?”
What will build up? – and not tear down.

·       Know how to ‘signal’ (communicate, indicate) a wish or need to your spouse?
Assumptions are very dangerous. Yours and theirs. Check out assumptions gently.

·       Listen to the heart of the matter.
Husbands tend to miss the deeper, layered (often emotional) message/s underneath the words that their wife says. Do not dismiss what a woman says, Man. Listen to her heart. Girls don’t always want your ‘fix-it’ solution – they may just want to know that you are listening and caring. Listen to her deep yearnings and desires. She needs to learn to trust that you will care for her words and thoughts tenderly first.
Wife, ask your husband for more info. Give the man a plan. Give him the Reader’s Digest version of what you need. “a hug”. ‘I need you to say (this…) anytime now’ … “Have you thought about doing this instead …?”

·       Do not park nor lose your gentle sense of humour – but don’t be frivolous when your spouse is being sincerely serious.

·       Submission does not equal doormat. Respect each other’s strengths and convictions. Respect each other. Ephesians 5:21 – Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
A man will need to recognise his wife’s intuition (sometimes even she can’t explain her reasons straight away). She will need to respect him and his loving God-given authority.

·       We learn from God about what LOVE is. Unconditional. Patient, long-suffering. On-going. A covenant, daily renewed.
Love is a verb. Love is what love does. Love is doing what is best for the other’s greater good at all times.
Practice saying “I love you” in various ways to your spouse, including in words!

·       Box or limit the issues or problem time eg between 8-9pm. Severely clip the time spent dealing with the issues. Quote: “What gets your attention gets you.”
Maximise the time to build your loving friendship. Have ‘couch time’ to pleasantly talk, hand hold, smile, play with each other, even a game of cards!
One of the authors’ early mottoes: “If in doubt, pray!” Brings in a fresh perspective.

·       Look for the good characteristics and actions of your spouse. Think of three things each night that are positive and good about your spouse. Write them down if you like. Bless them and tell them if you wish. Store up the blessings “in your heart”.

·       How’s your fun and friendship growing?

Other resources at: www.divorcebusting.com

the ancient art of querying

Check out the original article:
http://thekitchen.wordpress.com/2007/06/17/the-lost-art-of-querying/

… we’re going to practise the long, lost art of querying …

We’re going to spend 5 minutes where the other person talks and you just query – and listen – I mean really listen.
And then you’ll query some more. You’re not allowed to bring the conversation back to you – or give them your opinion on the subject – but you get to know the person and let them be known to you.
You’re asking questions to go deeper into who they are.

This will be incredibly hard for some of us. No doubt some of us will find it easy to talk about ourselves, but hard to ask questions and care.
But today you’re going to try and scratch beyond superficial conversation…

Others of us will hate talking about ourselves and find it scary to reveal bits of ourselves to a person we might barely know. But drop your guard! It’s something we need to do more often…

Would you believe that some people are even gifted at this whole querying thing? When they spend time with someone things just flow our of them from the queries they ask. But that takes practise, just like any art form.
So today we’re learning the ancient art of querying, and starting our journey towards becoming query masters.

Pick and random question from the list below, ask your partner the question, and then continue querying from that point for a full, literal 5 minutes.
You ask questions and listen, they talk. It’s fine for your talk to wander– these questions are just starting points in your queries.
After that five minutes get your partner to pick a new question and swap roles. You can do this as many times as you’d like to – or with as many different people as you like.

After you’ve queried each other, stop and share with the group or each other by answering this question.

“What is God up to in the midst of your partners life?”

—————————————-

What specific question would you most like to ask God?
What thing most worries you in life right now?
What aspect of your mum do you see in yourself?
What aspect of your dad do you see in yourself?
What’s something new you’ve discovered about God lately?
What was your childhood like?
What specific occasion as a kid do you remember being most happy?
What’s something you’ve recently become interested in?
What is your secret dream or aspiration?
What is one thing you want to do before you die?
What puzzles you about God?
What is your family like?
What Stresses you out? How do you unwind?
When do you feel that God is far away?
When do you feel closet to God?
What does being Gods creation, made in his Image, mean to you?
What’s the thing you’re most proud of achieving?
What’s the thing you most want to change about yourself?
What did you do in the weekend? What are you doing this weekend?
Is God challenging you to change any aspect of your life?
What’s something you’ve always wanted to do regularly, but just can’t seem to get it together?
What’s something that you regret not doing?
What do you feel most pressured to do in your life?
What do you like most about Jesus?
What scares you most in life?
When was the last time that you felt that God was speaking to you? What was he saying?
What would you most like to change in the world?
How do you deal with people that annoy you?
Have you ever forgiven someone?
What other career path would you also like to have taken?