Archive for relationship

Look After Your Marriage

Saturday 5 July 2008 at 9:22 am · Filed under counselling, mental health, relationship ·Tagged , , , ,

As a mother/father, wife/husband, and woman/man, the best thing you can do is to nurture and care for your marriage, your prime relationship on this earth.

Without a secure relational base, the family frays around the edges.

Treat your honey as your best friend - watch your tone of voice, how you request things (to be done), how you correct, and how you fight. Yes, learn to ‘fight’ fairly - no digging up the relics from the past, no bringing in other issues not directly related to the current ‘problem’.

Take responsibility for your own feelings and actions. Oh dear, to love and respect our friend-husband-partner, we need to be(come) so grown up and giving, even endlessly unconditional and forgiving in our love. Lord, give me patience and help me to try to understand!

Look forward, not back. Look for the new and the positive. Share your hopes and dreams for yourself, have shared hopes and dreams - as a team.

Remember: “WE ARE ON THE SAME SIDE”.

Another maxim my DH and I used especially in the first few years:
IF IN DOUBT, PRAY!

And a Biblical exhortation DH and I have leaned on in recent years, referring to God’s help, but can still relate to us plus the children:
YOU DON’T HAVE COS YOU DON’T ASK.
This doesn’t mean God (or anyone else) will give me what I ask for all the time, but how can I be given what I need if I don’t share that with another?

We are created for community - living together, belonging together.

Blessings on your marriage covenant,
johanna*mark

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Here’s a few helpful articles on Marriage :

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=weblog&id=283&wlid=9&cn=289
Interview with William Glasser (Reality Therapy now Choice Therapy) on Happier Marriages - personal responsibilty not external control; communicate interests and expectations to other without making demands.

http://divorcemarriage.blogspot.com/2008/06/choice-theory-from-glasser-quality.html  - Edmond Tay discussing William Glasser’s book

Relationships and our Habits
Seven Caring Habits
1. Supporting
2. Encouraging
3. Listening
4. Accepting
5. Trusting
6. Respecting
7. Negotiating differences
Seven Deadly Habits
1. Criticising
2. Blaming
3. Complaining
4. Nagging
5. Threatening
6. Punishing
7. Bribing, rewarding to control

http://wglasser.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=12&Itemid=27

http://www.divorcebusting.com/ - Michele Weiner-Davis

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Forgiveness is a Gift

Friday 30 May 2008 at 7:11 am · Filed under counselling, mental health, relationship ·Tagged ,

Sent: Wednesday, 31 October 2007
Subject: News from Michele Weiner-Davis

divorcebusting.com

Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself

… Lack of forgiveness imprisons you. It takes its toll on your physical and emotional health. It keeps you stuck in the deepest of relationship ruts. No matter how justified you feel about your point of view regarding your partner’s insensitive behavior, you still are miserable. When you wake up each morning, a gray tint shadows your life. You walk around with a low-grade depression. You can’t feel joy because you’re too busy being angry or feeling disappointed.

In the face of these fairly obvious disadvantages, you hang on to your belief that, since you feel let down, you must not “give in.” To you, giving in means forgiving, letting go, making peace. To do so, would be tantamount to giving up your soul. So, you keep your distance. You interact in perfunctory ways, never allowing your partner to step over the emotional line you’ve drawn. And though the distance often feels intolerable, forgiveness is not on your short list of solutions to your dilemma.

… You need to internalize that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Letting go of resentment can set you free. It can bring more love and happiness into your life. It opens the door to intimacy and connection. It makes you feel whole. Forgiving others takes strength, particularly when you feel wronged, but the fortitude required to forgive pales in comparison to the energy necessary to maintain a sizable grudge. The person most hurt by holding out or blaming is YOU, no matter what the circumstances.

“All this sounds good,” you tell yourself, “but how can I ever forget what my partner did to me?” Good question. You don’t! Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. You will probably always remember the particular injustice(s) that drove you into your corner. But what will happen is that when you forgive, the intense emotions associated with the event(s) begin to fade. You will feel happier, lighter, more loving. And these renewed positive feelings won’t go unnoticed. Others will be drawn to you.Just keep in mind that forgiveness isn’t a feeling. It is a decision. You decide that you are going to start tomorrow with a clean slate. Even if it isn’t easy, you make the determination that the alternative is even harder, and that you are going to do what you must to begin creating a more positive future. So promise yourself, that no matter what the reason, you will not go another day blaming your partner and feeling lonely. Make peace. Make up. Make love. I promise you that the benefits of deciding to forgive go far beyond anything you can picture in your mind’s eye at the moment. Your decision to forgive will create a ripple effect of exponential changes in your life.divorcebusting.com

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Moving Your Marriage Forward

Tuesday 25 March 2008 at 12:57 pm · Filed under counselling, mental health, relationship ·Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Moving Your Marriage Forward

-        by Johanna & Mark Whittaker, © March 2008, www.2Restore.wordpress.com  

·       Don’t keep unburying (exhuming) the past. Leave the past in the past. You can’t change it, so choose to move on. Remember, you’re on the same side.

·       Are you committed to the commitment made on your wedding day (and many days since)? Maybe check out and read your wedding vows again, when you’re ready.

·       Are you willing to build a good old-fashioned friendship together? Choose to be friends and friendly.

·       Can you imagine what a fantastic marriage between you two would look like in a few years time? This may take some work at and some working towards - expectations, hopes, future plans, and dreams. Keep coming back to work on this point.

·       Do you know about what forgiveness is?
- Letting go your right to hold on to any anger from the past.

·       Willing to consciously, clinically decide or choose to forgive your spouse? Your self?

·       Bite your tongue!! Stop those knee-jerk responses. What is for the greater good?
If you recognise a pattern of downward spiralling into argument, rehearse in your own mind how you can ‘bail out’ gracefully? “Got that wrong. Can we start again?”
What will build up? – and not tear down.

·       Know how to ‘signal’ (communicate, indicate) a wish or need to your spouse?
Assumptions are very dangerous. Yours and theirs. Check out assumptions gently.

·       Listen to the heart of the matter.
Husbands tend to miss the deeper, layered (often emotional) message/s underneath the words that their wife says. Do not dismiss what a woman says, Man. Listen to her heart. Girls don’t always want your ‘fix-it’ solution – they may just want to know that you are listening and caring. Listen to her deep yearnings and desires. She needs to learn to trust that you will care for her words and thoughts tenderly first.
Wife, ask your husband for more info. Give the man a plan. Give him the Reader’s Digest version of what you need. “a hug”. ‘I need you to say (this…) anytime now’ … “Have you thought about doing this instead …?”

·       Do not park nor lose your gentle sense of humour – but don’t be frivolous when your spouse is being sincerely serious.

·       Submission does not equal doormat. Respect each other’s strengths and convictions. Respect each other. Ephesians 5:21 – Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
A man will need to recognise his wife’s intuition (sometimes even she can’t explain her reasons straight away). She will need to respect him and his loving God-given authority.

·       We learn from God about what LOVE is. Unconditional. Patient, long-suffering. On-going. A covenant, daily renewed.
Love is a verb. Love is what love does. Love is doing what is best for the other’s greater good at all times.
Practice saying “I love you” in various ways to your spouse, including in words!

·       Box or limit the issues or problem time eg between 8-9pm. Severely clip the time spent dealing with the issues. Quote: “What gets your attention gets you.”
Maximise the time to build your loving friendship. Have ‘couch time’ to pleasantly talk, hand hold, smile, play with each other, even a game of cards!
One of the authors’ early mottoes: “If in doubt, pray!” Brings in a fresh perspective.

·       Look for the good characteristics and actions of your spouse. Think of three things each night that are positive and good about your spouse. Write them down if you like. Bless them and tell them if you wish. Store up the blessings “in your heart”.

·       How’s your fun and friendship growing?

Other resources at: www.divorcebusting.com

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Divorce Remedy

Wednesday 19 March 2008 at 5:58 pm · Filed under Current Quote, mental health, relationship ·Tagged , , ,

Again we quote Michele Weiner-Davis - if only she lived closer to New Zealand

–

The Divorce Remedy:
The Proven Seven-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage

The Proven Seven-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage

By Michele Weiner-Davis

Chapter One - The Not-So-Great Escape

People who are unhappy in their marriages often speak of feeling trapped. They yearn to be free from the tension, loneliness, constant arguments or deafening silence but worry that divorce may not be the right decision. After all, they took their marital vows seriously. They don’t want to hurt their spouses. They don’t want to hurt their children. They panic at the thought of being alone. They worry about finances. They fear the unknown.

Yet, the idea of living in a loveless marriage starts to feel like a death sentence. They feel caught between a rock and a hard place…trapped in a life of misery. Over time, many of these people slowly convince themselves that the benefits of leaving their marriages vastly outweigh the benefits of staying. They tell themselves, “Kids are resilient, they’ll bounce back,” or “In the long run, this will be better for everyone,” or “Sure, it will be hard for a while, but change is good for people, or “Anything has got to be better than this.” It’s not until they embark on the path to divorce and begin to piece their lives back together that they discover the real price they paid for their so-called “freedom”. Regretfully, this painful discovery comes too late. They have fallen into the divorce trap.

…

http://www.divorcebusting.com/sb_the_divorce_remedy.htm

Relationship Quiz 

http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_relationship_iq_quiz.htm

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the ancient art of querying

Monday 10 March 2008 at 1:50 pm · Filed under counselling, mental health, relationship ·Tagged , , ,

Check out the original article:
http://thekitchen.wordpress.com/2007/06/17/the-lost-art-of-querying/

… we’re going to practise the long, lost art of querying …

We’re going to spend 5 minutes where the other person talks and you just query – and listen – I mean really listen.
And then you’ll query some more. You’re not allowed to bring the conversation back to you - or give them your opinion on the subject - but you get to know the person and let them be known to you.
You’re asking questions to go deeper into who they are.

This will be incredibly hard for some of us. No doubt some of us will find it easy to talk about ourselves, but hard to ask questions and care.
But today you’re going to try and scratch beyond superficial conversation…

Others of us will hate talking about ourselves and find it scary to reveal bits of ourselves to a person we might barely know. But drop your guard! It’s something we need to do more often…

Would you believe that some people are even gifted at this whole querying thing? When they spend time with someone things just flow our of them from the queries they ask. But that takes practise, just like any art form.
So today we’re learning the ancient art of querying, and starting our journey towards becoming query masters.

Pick and random question from the list below, ask your partner the question, and then continue querying from that point for a full, literal 5 minutes.
You ask questions and listen, they talk. It’s fine for your talk to wander– these questions are just starting points in your queries.
After that five minutes get your partner to pick a new question and swap roles. You can do this as many times as you’d like to - or with as many different people as you like.

After you’ve queried each other, stop and share with the group or each other by answering this question.

“What is God up to in the midst of your partners life?”

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What specific question would you most like to ask God?
What thing most worries you in life right now?
What aspect of your mum do you see in yourself?
What aspect of your dad do you see in yourself?
What’s something new you’ve discovered about God lately?
What was your childhood like?
What specific occasion as a kid do you remember being most happy?
What’s something you’ve recently become interested in?
What is your secret dream or aspiration?
What is one thing you want to do before you die?
What puzzles you about God?
What is your family like?
What Stresses you out? How do you unwind?
When do you feel that God is far away?
When do you feel closet to God?
What does being Gods creation, made in his Image, mean to you?
What’s the thing you’re most proud of achieving?
What’s the thing you most want to change about yourself?
What did you do in the weekend? What are you doing this weekend?
Is God challenging you to change any aspect of your life?
What’s something you’ve always wanted to do regularly, but just can’t seem to get it together?
What’s something that you regret not doing?
What do you feel most pressured to do in your life?
What do you like most about Jesus?
What scares you most in life?
When was the last time that you felt that God was speaking to you? What was he saying?
What would you most like to change in the world?
How do you deal with people that annoy you?
Have you ever forgiven someone?
What other career path would you also like to have taken?

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